Learning to say no to others was painful. I had always been a “people pleaser.” The needs of everyone else came before my needs. I viewed it as my calling to not only help however I could but anticipate the needs of others and do whatever I could to fulfill them. It was exhausting and I probably annoyed more people than I actually helped. I did this until my body couldn’t take it any more. I wasn’t taking care of myself: I never ate properly and would go through bouts of virtually no sleep to sleeping 16 hours at a time. So, I learned to say no to others.

That was all well and good but I turned that need to help others into an obsession to constantly “do” something productive. If I wasn’t physically doing something I had was planning what (and how) to do something. The majority of my time online was spent in the research/planning phase of some glorious project. Suffice it to say, I ended up the same as before: I never ate properly and would go through bouts of virtually no sleep to sleeping 16 hours at a time. Seriously. I have slowly (since officially getting sick in 2010) learning what was worth my time and energy and what wasn’t.

Now, saying no to myself is a very difficult thing for me to do. Once I decide on a course of action, that is all I think about, dream about, and do. I have always been this way. I am like a dog with a bone. That is the way I have handled the challenge that I began April 1st. While the individual tasks aren’t really taxing, they have forced me to change my timing throughout my day. My days can no longer be dictated by “I feel like doing THIS now instead of that.” I have to actually plan and, as this passed week has shown, allow myself time off from everything.

I had to say no. Drinking my water was fine and meditating but I could barely walk from one side of my house to the other (it’s only 800 square feet total) or think clearly. I had to rest by body and my mind. I had to let my body heal (from the root canal and allergy attack the week before, the effects of the antibiotics on my body and the “M” word: menopause). It all came crashing down on Thursday but I fought it. I probably wouldn’t have crashed so hard if I had recognized the trauma my body had been through and taken it a bit easier on her (I do forget that my chronological age is not even close to my mental age).

I am feeling much better today. I have finally slept all night (in bed, not on the couch). I worked in the yard for a bit, did all my other tasks for the day and have not nodded off on the couch. Who knows? I might be completely recovered just in time for my next round of dental work (which is in 2 days). 🙂

OH! One quick note: I broke down and bought a Kindle Fire tablet (reading my Kindle books on my computer put me to sleep and reading them on my phone was too straining). I just bought the cheapest one and I love it! I haven’t used it yet but I had no idea there was an Android app for WordPress! Yes, I can tear apart my computer and put it back together but am just now venturing into the world of apps. lol

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. This actually poured out of my mouth a couple of days ago, while watching “Star Wars: Rogue One.” I have not liked how Disney keeps throwing things into these new Star Wars movies that are unnecessary and only there, so they can say, “See? It IS a real Star Wars movie” but that isn’t what I am referring to now. It’s their unnecessary (and, in my eyes, disrespectful) use of CGI.

Anyone with half a brain knows that Peter Cushing (the actor who played Tarkin) has passed away. They should also know Carrie Fisher has passed away. Yet, Disney decided they needed to show off their computer skills to superimpose a computer generated image of both actors into this movie. To me, the actor (above right) could have just worn makeup (his facial structure is very similar) and Princess Leia did not need to face the camera. There, problem solved for much less cost and no cartoon actors. See? Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should.

While I was preparing to begin this post, I received this lovely notification on Facebook:

I am highly irritated. I never post nudity (not mine or anyone else). I do not even post those funny pictures of peaches that look like someone’s rear end. Why? Well, I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I don’t have a need to offend (unless I am really angry with you or it is just too funny not to share).

I wasn’t always this way. I posted, said, typed, or wrote whatever I wanted because “my rights.” I was going to embrace my first amendment right to free speech, no matter how much of an ass I made of myself. It did not matter how many I offended with my use of foul language (which is, technically, my native language) or the manner in which I expressed my opinion. I was going to say whatever I wanted.

Eventually (gradually) things changed. My audience grew wider (and closer to home). I began connecting with actual family members, friends I cared about, and new friends from all over the globe, thanks to Facebook. Now, these people I do care about. Yes, they know I use foul language but do I need to use it so much? I may dislike these politicians but does this post about that entire political party apply to those I care about? Again, just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

There were a few “friends” I had that became like rabid dogs during this last Presidential election cycle. Despite my restraint during prior elections, they viewed it as their civic and moral duty to denounce and degrade anyone who was not supporting their chosen goddess … I mean candidate. If they would have kept these views on their wall, it would not have been an issue for me but they chose to turn non-partisan posts I made into war zones. Another chose to denounce the 2nd amendment (the right to keep and bear arms), all the while freely accepting meat from the firearm-using hunters they allowed onto their property every year. All of these “friends,” most I had known for almost 20 years, are no longer within my sphere of influence.

I walk a fine line now on social media. I have done my best to be as inclusive as possible since there can be such joy and knowledge shared by all. I have friends and family from all over the globe. They embrace a variety of religions, and have wide-ranging social (and even culinary) views. It probably would not take much to accidentally offend someone BUT, so far, I have chosen my friends wisely. Those who truly embrace the “share our similarities and accept our differences” attitude have remained my friends. I feel blessed.

I never (EVER) thought I would say this but I have to thank my husband’s ex-wife for teaching me so many lessons. See, before I met my husband, the only step-relationship I ever dealt with was my step-mother. She was truly one of the most loving women I have ever met. Not only did she accept me as her daughter but so did her entire family. I was (and still am) truly blessed. And get this: my mom actually liked my step-mom! Can you believe it?

So, when I met my husband and, before we were even serious, he told me he had not only an ex-wife but a daughter, I was happy. I knew, through experience, that it did not have to be a horrible hate-filled relationship. It was going to be great, especially since I, like my step-mom, would finally have a daughter (without giving birth to her).

This is where the lessons come into play. It did not take long for those rose-colored glasses to be ripped right off my head. The derogatory comments began within a month of us dating and things just continued to escalate from there. 18 years (and a disconnected house phone) later, I am finally able to see what I learned.

I learned that no matter what is said or done, there are just some people who love misery. Not only do they love to be miserable but they thoroughly enjoy spreading it around like the plague. These people are cruel and heartless. As long as they are able to inflict pain on others, that is all that matters (even if it is their own child that gets hurt). They will lie, cheat, and steal to ensure that within their deluded mind, they are winning and I am not just talking about the ex now.

Through dealing on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis with the ex, I began to see that I have been surrounded by these types of people all my life. “Friends,” family friends, and even family fall into this type of antisocial personality disorder. It’s been truly illuminating and has helped me learn how to distance myself from almost all of these toxic people. It’s taken me a long time to do it but this is how I accomplished this:

I started slowly (well, with those I thought of as friends or family). I began with having things to do, so I was too busy and couldn’t meet. I spaced out the meetings over time, so I had time to mentally prepare myself for the deluge of negativity. If they refused to honor my wishes (respect me and my time), I stopped answering the phone or door. If this is someone I must have contact with, this is how I have kept the relationship: very distant. If, on the other hand, there is no reason I need to ever speak to them again: I’m done. One person I told exactly how I felt and told them I never wanted to speak to them again. The other (the ex) we just shut off our home phone. If she shows up, she is trespassing.

The full quote is: “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.” In other words, if you are not able to run a successful business, then you should teach business. That makes sense, doesn’t it? I wrote a post a couple of years ago about me discovering I am a student and a teacher. Thinking about the quote above, what did I really mean when I stated that? At the time, my life mirrored the above quote. I had never “done” most of the things I have been learning so how could I possibly be qualified to teach?

So, when should learning stop and doing begin? I want to write but am I doing it correctly? Shouldn’t I know more about not only the subject but the method of writing? I will never know if I do not write. At this point, I am pretty much willing to write about anything that pops in my head since I can never learn from my successes (and failures) if I do nothing.

I have been an avid hoarder of educational materials since I got my first computer (a computer that a friend built me and if I remember correctly, ran on Windows 95). I can’t even begin to tell you how many .pdfs I have of old, out of print books that were wonderful sources of knowledge. In addition to those out of print books, I even have printed up entire websites (most of them posthumously, thanks to Internet Archive: Wayback Machine) but what good is all of that knowledge if none of it is practiced?

When I lived in Arizona I attended a (now defunct) career college. Despite the fact that my diploma in Small Business Management isn’t worth the paper it was printed on (I wish I would have known what accreditation was and how important it is), what I loved about the school was all of the instructors were from the real world. My marketing instructor left to work for the first soaker hose company that solely used recycled tires, my accounting instructor was an actual accountant, and my computer instructor ran a small tech support company (they were all teaching part-time). These instructors are my definition of a teachers. They do, therefore they teach.

I have information on just about every subject out there but my main love has always been all things relating to herbal medicine. I love the fact that the majority of ingredients contained within the various Pharmacopeia from the early 1900s and older are plants I can grow or purchase (and I do not need any special license or permit for those purchases). I have considered taking some courses related to herbal medicine but why spend the money if I have all this information at my fingertips?

That WAS my thinking until I actually tried to make an herbal salve. No matter how many times I tried, I could not manage to make a salve without it being too hard, too soft, too lumpy or having it separate over time. As much as I adore You Tube, there are too many people out there who know less than I do “teaching.” I knew I needed some actual instruction if I was ever going to do this right.

So, this is my long-term project: to physically do everything that I have been learning about. There are way too many subjects I have no way of learning (like raising livestock) since I live in the city but I am making a conscious effort to “practice what I preach” (or, really, “practice what I share”).

Well, not quite building fences. Today I have been on the hunt to figure out how to repair/rebuild the fence surrounding our property. I thought it would be a relatively easy (though labor intensive) solution. Of course, with just about everything in this house, I was incorrect on my assessment.

The fence was built by the last tenants and while it is beautiful, there were issues in the construction of it. After spending the afternoon Googling … I mean researching, I think the two issues we have to tackle are warping of the wood and fence post spacing. I also discovered that our “normal” is not everyone else’s “normal” (the way fences are built is not standard).

That pretty much describes life, doesn’t it? You may think the problem is this but it turns out the problem stems from that and that but lead to this. It is so frustrating! You think it will be a quick, easy solution but you end up having to tear down the whole thing and rebuild it with proper materials and learn new techniques in order to accomplish your goals.

That is where I am at right now. I thought beginning this challenge would be a piece of cake. I told myself, “No problem! It will be easy! The hardest part will be drinking my water.” Well, I was so wrong! It turns out the hardest part is writing every day. I thought I had a nice stack of “rant material” (all the things I rant about to my husband after he gets home from work) stored away in my brain, just waiting to be shared. I guess I don’t. Perhaps those little rants just weren’t important enough to remain in my brain because I have been sitting here for the last three hours trying to figure out what to write about (and deleting three other attempts).

I really am amazed. Does this mean that the majority of the things I talk about (or think about) during the day are not important? Does this mean I should be more conscious of where my head is at instead of letting run loose like a toddler who ate a whole bag of candy? I have done the “that’s not important, so stop thinking about it” thing before and I was one miserable, cranky bitch. I wasn’t depressed: I was perpetually angry. It was awful. So, I will never become that person again but what should I do right now to enable me to have something to say every day that has some meaning behind it? I haven’t a clue.

I think I will make sure I keep a notebook handy and just write random things down that pop in my head throughout the day. I know I have plenty of things to say about our government but I really do not want that here on my blog. I have always wanted this blog to be a bit deeper than me describing the idiocy of our state and local government (as I said, I live in California, so I have plenty of material to work with).