Brenda Nolen

Learning to say no to others was painful. I had always been a “people pleaser.” The needs of everyone else came before my needs. I viewed it as my calling to not only help however I could but anticipate the needs of others and do whatever I could to fulfill them. It was exhausting and I probably annoyed more people than I actually helped. I did this until my body couldn’t take it any more. I wasn’t taking care of myself: I never ate properly and would go through bouts of virtually no sleep to sleeping 16 hours at a time. So, I learned to say no to others.

That was all well and good but I turned that need to help others into an obsession to constantly “do” something productive. If I wasn’t physically doing something I had was planning what (and how) to do something. The majority of my time online was spent in the research/planning phase of some glorious project. Suffice it to say, I ended up the same as before: I never ate properly and would go through bouts of virtually no sleep to sleeping 16 hours at a time. Seriously. I have slowly (since officially getting sick in 2010) learning what was worth my time and energy and what wasn’t.

Now, saying no to myself is a very difficult thing for me to do. Once I decide on a course of action, that is all I think about, dream about, and do. I have always been this way. I am like a dog with a bone. That is the way I have handled the challenge that I began April 1st. While the individual tasks aren’t really taxing, they have forced me to change my timing throughout my day. My days can no longer be dictated by “I feel like doing THIS now instead of that.” I have to actually plan and, as this passed week has shown, allow myself time off from everything.

I had to say no. Drinking my water was fine and meditating but I could barely walk from one side of my house to the other (it’s only 800 square feet total) or think clearly. I had to rest by body and my mind. I had to let my body heal (from the root canal and allergy attack the week before, the effects of the antibiotics on my body and the “M” word: menopause). It all came crashing down on Thursday but I fought it. I probably wouldn’t have crashed so hard if I had recognized the trauma my body had been through and taken it a bit easier on her (I do forget that my chronological age is not even close to my mental age).

I am feeling much better today. I have finally slept all night (in bed, not on the couch). I worked in the yard for a bit, did all my other tasks for the day and have not nodded off on the couch. Who knows? I might be completely recovered just in time for my next round of dental work (which is in 2 days). 🙂

OH! One quick note: I broke down and bought a Kindle Fire tablet (reading my Kindle books on my computer put me to sleep and reading them on my phone was too straining). I just bought the cheapest one and I love it! I haven’t used it yet but I had no idea there was an Android app for WordPress! Yes, I can tear apart my computer and put it back together but am just now venturing into the world of apps. lol

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. This actually poured out of my mouth a couple of days ago, while watching “Star Wars: Rogue One.” I have not liked how Disney keeps throwing things into these new Star Wars movies that are unnecessary and only there, so they can say, “See? It IS a real Star Wars movie” but that isn’t what I am referring to now. It’s their unnecessary (and, in my eyes, disrespectful) use of CGI.

Anyone with half a brain knows that Peter Cushing (the actor who played Tarkin) has passed away. They should also know Carrie Fisher has passed away. Yet, Disney decided they needed to show off their computer skills to superimpose a computer generated image of both actors into this movie. To me, the actor (above right) could have just worn makeup (his facial structure is very similar) and Princess Leia did not need to face the camera. There, problem solved for much less cost and no cartoon actors. See? Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should.

While I was preparing to begin this post, I received this lovely notification on Facebook:

I am highly irritated. I never post nudity (not mine or anyone else). I do not even post those funny pictures of peaches that look like someone’s rear end. Why? Well, I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I don’t have a need to offend (unless I am really angry with you or it is just too funny not to share).

I wasn’t always this way. I posted, said, typed, or wrote whatever I wanted because “my rights.” I was going to embrace my first amendment right to free speech, no matter how much of an ass I made of myself. It did not matter how many I offended with my use of foul language (which is, technically, my native language) or the manner in which I expressed my opinion. I was going to say whatever I wanted.

Eventually (gradually) things changed. My audience grew wider (and closer to home). I began connecting with actual family members, friends I cared about, and new friends from all over the globe, thanks to Facebook. Now, these people I do care about. Yes, they know I use foul language but do I need to use it so much? I may dislike these politicians but does this post about that entire political party apply to those I care about? Again, just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

There were a few “friends” I had that became rabid dogs during this last Presidential election cycle. Despite my restraint during prior elections, they viewed it as their civic and moral duty to denounce and degrade anyone who was not supporting their chosen goddess … I mean candidate. If they would have kept these views on their wall, it would not have been an issue for me but they chose to turn non-partisan posts I made into war zones. Another chose to denounce the 2nd amendment (the right to keep and bear arms), all the while freely accepting meat from the firearm-using hunters they allowed onto their property every year. All of these “friends,” most I had known for almost 20 years, are no longer within my sphere of influence.

I walk a fine line now on social media. I have done my best to be as inclusive as possible since there can be such joy and knowledge shared by all. I have friends and family from all over the globe. They embrace a variety of religions, and have wide-ranging social (and even culinary) views. It probably would not take much to accidentally offend someone BUT, so far, I have chosen my friends wisely. Those who truly embrace the “share our similarities and accept our differences” attitude have remained my friends. I feel blessed.

I have always loathed getting my jury duty notification. Why? In my eyes, it was one more thing the government was forcing me to do. I am forced to pay property taxes if I want to keep my home. I am forced to pay registration fees if I want to drive my car off my property. I am forced to pay sales tax if I want to purchase just about anything. So, when I received my jury duty notice last week I was angry.

This was the first time I have received one since all the kids moved out of the house (damn, can’t claim an exemption for that). I have severe allergies to various chemicals but the ones that get me when I am in public are perfumes or cologne (oh, look. I need a doctor’s note … like I can get that in a week). So, none of the exemptions applied so I began chanting a mantra: “Jury Duty Free.”

It didn’t work. Well, no, it did (sort of). Two nights ago, we checked and there it was: I was to report for jury duty the next day. Oh, I was stomping around the house like a moody teenager. I had to get ready for “battle.” I cleaned out my purse, surprised to find only two knives in there. 🙂 I filled my bag with a physical book, my Kindle (the physical book in case I couldn’t use my Kindle because it’s new and I have not tested it away from home), my inhaler, my epi-pen, my masks, my coffee and something to snack on. By the time I left the house, I was ready.

So, I showed up, made it through security without setting anything off, descended to the basement (which wasn’t as dark and dank as I had envisioned) and settled in. Things were going good (I was amazed I hadn’t run into a wall of perfume). That’s when the rest of the people started filing in. My tranquil mood lasted for about 5 minutes, when I had to get up and go out into the hall. Then more women came out of the elevator and that’s when I realized my mask was no help at all.

So, I hit my inhaler, tried to find the least populated spot, and did my best to slow down my breathing. That is what I continued to do for the next hour, until I was called into the court room. I have only been inside a court room twice before (and neither of those times was for jury duty) so I had no idea what to expect.

There was roll call, then the judge came in. Then, I actually started paying attention. There was the District Attorney, the other woman was obviously the defense attorney, and there was the defendant. I’m not sure why I didn’t think they would all be sitting there. They gave us a piece of paper with the defendant’s name and the possible dates (and times) of the trial, then the judge began speaking.

Since I was clutching my purse way too hard, focusing on slowing my breathing, I pretty much heard, “Blah, blah, blah, Our county has the highest rate of jury duty summons responses in the entire state, blah, blah, blah …” Then, he said something that made me wish I could actually serve: “Jury duty allows us, the people, to actually participate in a branch of the government.”

He finished this up, then went row by row, asking if people needed to be excused or have their jury duty service postponed. I was shocked at how many businesses do not pay anything for jury duty, since it is required by law. When he finally got to my row, I raised my hand, then stood, swaying a bit, and explained my allergies. I sat back down and started to cry. I didn’t know what I would do if he didn’t excuse me. The trial we were there for was slated for almost three weeks!

After everyone pleaded their case, he began reading off the names of those who would be excused or postponed. He read my name and I began to sob. I have never felt so helpless and vulnerable. By the time I made it out of the courthouse, my hands and feet were tingling, due to lack of oxygen. It has now been three days and I am still not 100%. This is also the allergic reaction I have to cats. Too many cat people think I will be alright if they lock their cat in the room or vacuum really good. Whether or not that would work, I can’t take that chance.

Monday I will finally make my appointment with a new doctor.

I never (EVER) thought I would say this but I have to thank my husband’s ex-wife for teaching me so many lessons. See, before I met my husband, the only step-relationship I ever dealt with was my step-mother. She was truly one of the most loving women I have ever met. Not only did she accept me as her daughter but so did her entire family. I was (and still am) truly blessed. And get this: my mom actually liked my step-mom! Can you believe it?

So, when I met my husband and, before we were even serious, he told me he had not only an ex-wife but a daughter, I was happy. I knew, through experience, that it did not have to be a horrible hate-filled relationship. It was going to be great, especially since I, like my step-mom, would finally have a daughter (without giving birth to her).

This is where the lessons come into play. It did not take long for those rose-colored glasses to be ripped right off my head. The derogatory comments began within a month of us dating and things just continued to escalate from there. 18 years (and a disconnected house phone) later, I am finally able to see what I learned.

I learned that no matter what is said or done, there are just some people who love misery. Not only do they love to be miserable but they thoroughly enjoy spreading it around like the plague. These people are cruel and heartless. As long as they are able to inflict pain on others, that is all that matters (even if it is their own child that gets hurt). They will lie, cheat, and steal to ensure that within their deluded mind, they are winning and I am not just talking about the ex now.

Through dealing on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis with the ex, I began to see that I have been surrounded by these types of people all my life. “Friends,” family friends, and even family fall into this type of antisocial personality disorder. It’s been truly illuminating and has helped me learn how to distance myself from almost all of these toxic people. It’s taken me a long time to do it but this is how I accomplished this:

I started slowly (well, with those I thought of as friends or family). I began with having things to do, so I was too busy and couldn’t meet. I spaced out the meetings over time, so I had time to mentally prepare myself for the deluge of negativity. If they refused to honor my wishes (respect me and my time), I stopped answering the phone or door. If this is someone I must have contact with, this is how I have kept the relationship: very distant. If, on the other hand, there is no reason I need to ever speak to them again: I’m done. One person I told exactly how I felt and told them I never wanted to speak to them again. The other (the ex) we just shut off our home phone. If she shows up, she is trespassing.

The sad part of that is my step-daughter has now taken our place and until she learns to stand up for herself and refuse to be a verbal punching bag, all we can do is be here when she needs some quiet sanity and a shoulder to cry (or lean) on. I hope this happens soon.